Such a peaceful way to go in a real Sim

Lately I find myself  - strangely content. It is an interesting state - as there really is nothing to do or nowhere to go, yet I find myself doing what I am doing etc.

In any case - that is basically so.

This evening I also am happy to hear someone else seems to be happy in the marriage she went into. There might have been some rocky phases, but, adjustments appear to have happened and things are going well, so the news are. This is good.

And I am wondering what it must be like to love and be loved like that - and live a life that is like that. Being nothing like that kind of attractive woman, in fact, not at all, or wanting to do what she does - the chances of that experience are slim, to say the least. My mission might be very different, anyway, all is well.

4 1/2 days still to go.

The other day, one of my first flock hens died, Faye. She was five. She was a mama once. She got sick almost 2 years ago but then was well till a couple of months ago, when it caught up with her. This time, I was ready for her to go.

She still went out with the flock that morning, the day she died, moving slowly, pecking at the food bucket contents. Some time in the afternoon, she was ready to go "in". The last 2 days I had lifted her in and out of the brooder box, which she chose to be in. After all, that is where she was as a baby chick when she got here. That afternoon, when I lifted her into the brooder box, she went to the back, didn't eat or drink, only to later sit in a way that would be facing me. And she just stayed there, sitting perfectly balanced, head centered and appearing comfortable. That late afternoon,  I spent some timeless time sitting with her as she sat there -  in and with the dying process. She seemed so inner focused, so "collected" for lack of a better word. Once she opened her eyes. Sometimes a slight trembling of the wings. The breathing already was changing, deep and regular, then shallow as if not breathing. The peace and silence of that space...in the midst of the rest of the world, the sounds familiar to her, was amazing. Such a beautiful peaceful way to go.  Days before, when she still had been up on a roost, I had drained some fluid again from her abdomen as she appeared to have some slight trouble breathing. It helped, she didn't have any sign of breathing trouble again. I don't know if at any time she was in pain.

So - knowing how she left this world, no 'humane" killing seems a better choice to me. This reminds me of my 80 year old aunt, who died a couple of years ago of cancer (colon, surgery, chemo, chemo..later metastases in the lung). She got weaker and weaker, had to be helped, go so weak and thin, never any pain at all. And that is what I think can happen to birds too. Just like that. You make adjustments to help them, make sure they are safe...but killing them is an excuse in that case...it is for our selves, not their benefit.

There were others, each case is different. But this one went beautifully as far as I can tell. And I thanked and thanked the guides and universe for it.
Death by predator is not better than this, at least, it does not appear to me that it is preferable, from what I have seen and found.

Thinking of all this world as a SIM. Well, that is another story. Her animation slowed and then stopped. Spirit withdrawing the animation force....but then, it might have been written like that from the start. The spirit that moves through all things....what about dead "things"?

But does it really matter if it is a Sim or "real"?  It is a real Sim.
There is gratitude for this one.

That which animated her

Today I was present at a death, or more correctly - present in the moment when "that which animated her" left the body.

Here is the story:

A few days ago I noticed one of the blue hens was not doing so well. She is a daughter of a Sicilian Buttercup, the sweetest chickens. I did a few things to diagnose and help her, but last night, she was too weak to get up on the roost, though she made it to the coop alright. I helped her, but later found she had been pushed back to the ground. I put her back into the safe "hospital" space, where she settled nicely, like the night before. Earlier I even went back to the house for a few choice bits she was interested in eating. I picked another hen friend to spend the night next to her again.

This morning she was half sitting, half lying on the other side of the only 3 inches of the ground roost. She was weak, opened here eyes to look at me a few times, I gently touched her, made a few sounds, told her I loved her, she even recognized the food bits I showed her, but it was clear, her time of eating any however tempting looking food, was over. Mostly she closed her eyes for longer and longer times. She seemed in a comfortable position, so I let her be.

I found things to do around the coops, some chores had to be done away from it. She was safe but surrounded by the usual chicken sounds of her family. Her breathing, whenever I checked, was even and nonlabored.  Not once was there a gasping, no spasms,  - no  outward sign of any distress.

Checking whenever I passed by the space she was in, her breathing was even.
Around lunchtime, I knew I had to go to the house for a bit ...she must be close I thought, and so I stood looking at her and telling her about her life as a little chick, that she got to be under the wings of a mama hen, grow up with little chick siblings, the got to pick and scratch and be out foraging with the flock. She laid eggs, She was beautiful....and I told her, and: you were loved. ...Then I thought ...wait a minute...she is still here, breathing ...and changed it to: You ARE loved.

Then I closed my eyes and softly chanted a sacred chant I had been taught by a shaman over 2 decades ago. I was turning her over to the spirit guides....then, eyes closed, I saw something white, as if smoke -  only it was not smoke but white moving slightly twisting gently coming from her body, or where the body would be if I opened my eyes and looked. This white became a huge chicken shape, hard to say with eyes closed...but maybe 3-4 feet tall? facing me, head slightly cocked, a well demarcated shape of a white so clean and pure and flawless, without any blemish, that I have ever seen. It did not seem to radiate, looked solid but was not...it was very very still, just there, a kind of a light only it was not any light I had ever seen.

The communication was - hey, it's me, I AM HERE. ....stillness, just looking....then:
this is what animated her (this meaning the white shape from which the communication seemed to come) and with that communication there was as if an ethereal glance towards the body. It was one of knowing,  of connection, of care, of saying don't violate it, honor it.

There was no thank you for this wonderful life, no sense of relief to be "free" or anything like that...only this - I'm here, it's me, - that which animated her, calm, serene, indescribability serene  and still, not dead, just still and here. ..a vague sense of kindness, or understand/wisdom/knowing ..but not the human sense and barely perceivable.

Then ..with my "looking" with eyes closed at the pure perfect white chicken shape standing here facing me - it began to seemingly dissolve with movements similar to smoke moving...into a background of moving white light ...something I could not see past.

When this started to happen ..."I" started thinking ...if this just happened, she is gone, no longer breathing, and I wondered ...and I opened my eyes ... she was no longer breathing. I looked and looked and something in me seemed to be perceving some micromovements, but no breathing. Beak still closed, eyes closed, no spasm or anything. Just like that...like I saw it, or rather, how it appeared for me,  that which animated her had left her, and gone back ..just like like that ...

I left her body there, surrounded by the sounds she knew, for a few hours, before burying her beautiful body where it will be transformed into part of the chicken garden and it's trees.

It was interesting how I felt at the same time less involved, less sorrow when holding and looking at the body, while at the same time more honoring of it than any other chickens I buried before.

I had seen that which had animated her ...and whether still connected on some level ...that had gone elsewhere.

Her matrix, her blueprint, not a chicken blueprint, it was HERs, it was  animating this one....and it went back where ...I didn't follow it.

A white like I have never seen
her perfect chicken shape
no flaw

... had gone, at the same time being  connected to what it manifested as dissolving without any sense of attachment. - selbstverstaendlich - is a German word that comes to mind, a words for which I know no translation.

So, that was "just" a chicken.

I always do orb "runs" for them, always ask the guides for the best possible outcome.

...and I wonder if all chickens, no matter how they lived, animals in general, have that which animates them leave their bodies with such equanimity, this feeling or sense I don't really have words for.

...and just now I wonder: how do we eat something like that - something this sacred, and if this one is so, they all are, it all is sacred. ...and why does it blow me apart in this seemingly sentimental fashion? ....

Life Lessons & Training. 

but then, regarding the eating of them ...there is such understanding from their side...there is nothing to worry about.

Chickens, Love and the Fear to Die

It was a rainy day, mostly, and staying in the coop this morning,  I noticed one of the chickens just standing around not looking well. She is a sweet one, acted well just a couple of days ago. And so it got triggered again - as it does every time, no matter what the emotional starting point is on the spectrum I go through: this looking at the inevitability of death, feeling the loss of THAT one,  - and then to: having someday to leave this earth, this game, this reality, just having to leave, and leaving everything and everyone behind ....going to - what? No matter what anyone tells you or what your belief system is, you don't ACTUALLY know, do you?

None of the "exercises" I have done have the same effect.

I never used to feel fear thinking of death or dying or being dead. These days I feel it, as my mother is turning 80, as more people close to my generation die every day, as I studied the ABD more - but when a chicken is looking unwell, when there is a prospect or perception of them suffering - "it" gets triggered ... and some deep deep strange sorrow, longing, remorse, ....followed by gratitude and ...ultimately, renewed resolve to LOVE ...it is a certain type of heaven and hell ...and at this point I am unsure what the fluck if going on with that.

Looking at death and dying personally - it makes so much sense why having children and a loving family or partner might be so comforting, so soothing when facing death. Something of you survives. If you don't have family, what will remain of your being here? Anything you did or thought or felt? What IS the actual effect you had on this world?

And then, walking up the driveway from the chicken yard - dear god, I wish I had been able to be kinder, not cause anyone any pain, ease suffering. No matter that you did the best you can, understood, you know you caused pain - I know I have.

But even with children and grandchildren ...when the sun goes nova and the earth ceases to exists - it'll all be gone.

In fact, will ANYTHING ever remain?

YES - I know that answer, but I cannot explain it.

For my own meaning, at this time, the closest I can get is - all that mattered is how you loved, that you loved ...it does not matter what ...

and I don't mean "loved ice cream", but that is okay too.

This love that is a deep, unexplained awe inspiring being expanding - quivering wonder,  remorseful forgiveness asking all encompassing something...

and gratitude - such gratitude, for having another day, this moment .....

and so this chicken - may or may not get better which the treatment I am giving it. I don't actually know how chickens feel their own bodies, illness and impending death. All I want is for them not to suffer, to not be in distress and maybe that is just a wish I have for myself. It helps to know, or at least think,  they have a good life here, how everyone and everything needs to die when it is their time, how there is pain and adversity in every life....and how everything dies - sometime.

I wonder then...what it is that makes an individual life well lived - when you are no Einstein, Mother Theresa, Diva or inspired outrageous artist, Alexander the Great or Archimedes type human or parent of some ...So many many many unknown lives through thousands, no, tens of thousands of years....unbelievably many and varied.

Lately there is a sense, even though I still do things, and do some of them well - ...what does it matter, life will go on without me soon enough.  There is just such a short short time we are given here. There is also ...and this is strange, SUCH a sense of insignificance that kindness, being kind and compassionate to anything living ...which it all is,  is the only thing that makes sense. Yes to joy, or fun or whatever, good job and being responsible....but without compassion to the living, without consciousness  - the LIFE - the everything that is ....it is just an overlay.

Anyway ...more than 70 chickens are living in the chicken garden - I care for them ...they will all die in the next few years ...

Dear god, Help me

And those are only the chickens I personally know. ...

There is a lesson here somewhere that has not been learned ....

Some portal not stepped through,

though at times the direction where it is headed seems obvious.

I KNOW it ...it is just beyond this "thing" ....

Then I do an orb run ... it helps

" For the animal shall not be measured by man. In a world older and more complete than ours they move finished and complete, gifted with extensions of the senses we have lost or never attained, living by voices we shall never hear. They’re not brethren; they’re not underlings; they are other nations, caught with ourselves in the net of life and time, fellow prisoners of the splendour and travail of the earth." Henry Beston, The Outermost House

Do we die a solitary death - like bumble bees?

I posted a little story of a bumble bee on facebook ...and one of the comments was - "what a beautiful story. it seems all beings die a solitary death in some way."

Coming up the driveway from the garden - chicken feeding time - I realized that an entire book could be written on the subject - from differentiating what could be meant by beings, as in the spirit or soul - whose death is something entirely different - IF they ever die - too ok, by beings it was meant - all the living beings  on the planet die a solitary death in some way . As in death bodies cease to be what is generally be called alive - death has to be solitary most of the time.There is the question - was really IS a solitary death? What is DEATH and is there a process. The bumble bees go out , by themselves - but as hives go, as a hive together, though separately - to die - is that really a solitary death when the entire colony dies. If there is a death that appears to be solitary, what makes it so? So, I don't intend to write a book on the topic, but just a post on a blog that is not too long to actually be read.

Seeing the words: they all die a solitary death - there was kind of the sense,  - a hint of something ...sacred and sad about life and death -  conveyed by the bumble bee's way of dieing ...but there was also something in me that says ...while it may be true, that everyone dies a solitary death in some way, it also is not. In some other way, we as humans don't have to die a solitary death.

Here is that bumble bee story in case you hadn't read it:  i learned something about bumble bees today - each fall, all but the queens die a solitary death .....it kinda hit me...they all die a solitary death. Here is the story, kept short - Yesterday on the way to the gardens - i passed a flower with a bumble-bee on it...so late in the season ...it was seeking nourishment from it. today, cold and rainy as it was...there it still was, on the same flower...not moving, or rather barely ....so i took it inside, gave it some warmth and some sugar and honey water ...and watched it come to life...wow...and started wondering about why it was out there....and wondering if it was a queen and maybe finding a way to save it...it didn't seem to have the size i saw quoted for queens....and i learned...that each fall all bumble bees but the fertilized bumble bee queens - die a solitary death. it seemed there would be no point going against what nature intended - even though it accepted the sweet water - and so i took it with the flower and the sugar dish and put it in the green house, under some cover. i won't be checking on it - but for a moment - dear bumble bee - i did see you and there was love....there still is ....

2 examples come to mind of a non-solitary death:

• Example 1 - I recall in the book  "Grace and Grit"  by Ken Wilber, when Treya, his wife, dies of cancer ...surrounded by family, she dies consciously, in the final moments looking into Ken's eyes - and she says - find me. To me ...even though there is a part of the journey through and into death where you,  as a human go on alone ...this was not a solitary death the way I would define it - and like all the bumble bees seem to die.

• Example 2 - And then this morning I remembered something that happened when my dad died years ago. He knew he was gonna die for least 3 months, and when it was time...they called me and I took one of those emergency flights to Germany. They kept him off morphine so he would be able to realize I was there...and he did, though he could no longer speak. He died that night - I was there with him. I recalled something that Tom Brown had tried to convey: when someone dies, you can accompany them with spirit, in the spirit world, to a certain point, after wish you either also die, or have to stay behind ...when they go into the light. So I did that- stay with him to that point....and then there came that time where there was a lot of light ahead ...and my dad said something like (communicated) but what about the family - and i replied - you can go say goodbye before you go. Reconstructing events later ...that was the exact time my then 3 year old nephew sat up in bed wide awake ...crying loudly saying: Ich muss zum Opa" I gotta go see grandpa. i gotta go see grandpa ...again and again, crying...and my sister knew my dad had died.  So - was his a solitary death? I know he wanted me there, was reassured I had made it (in fact I always had the feeling he waited till I got there - for my mother's sake). I didn't know about the ABD at that time - and all I whispered into his ear were things like - remember you are love. They only gave it 20 minutes in the hospital till they wanted to do what they had to do. It was a solitary death in some way - but not in another....i was there with him.

I felt  a resonance with that bumble bee too - or rather - the solitary death. The thing for me -this human me is this: I don't have a son or daughter, or a husband or even friends that are close enough. Whose eye contact would you hold in death? So if I died in the next few days, the human in me - will likely die a solitary death in that sense, even if there were people around.  I wish for it to be peacefully and prepared no matter what, I actually wrote some things about it in the Five Wishes - but sometimes I have seen it happening sitting in the garden, solitary, peacefully (not in the wet and cold though :) surrounded by birds and trees and flowers - and while that actually corresponds to some degree to my nature, it also shows a lack of connection to humans....that would be an entire other section in the above mentioned book.

There is an inner death's door we go through alone, but up to that point, it is possible to not die a solitary death - like the bumble bees. I'll leave it there - and also that in the "in between bardos" - you can travel as a group, that contact is possible. But that is a whole other story again. Being to Being contact is possible - across time and space.

To speak with a Native American saying - paraphrased: there is no death, just changing of worlds. When going through that door, death's door,  into another world, it appears you go alone, there is something inner ...that steps through - leaving everything previously known, behind. In that sense, yes, death is solitary. 

Are there ways to prepare for it death - sure, one that comes to mind right now is the doorway exercise.

OH DEAR GOD ....i could not remember what book it was in...so i did a search  online...and there it is...omg, "doorways" it is even printed as a sample from the book: Practical work on Self right there... it musta meant to go on this page. wow...i didn't know

it is right there for you

A Chapter From The Book

Practical Work on Self

by E.J. Gold

Doorways

 

:)

What I believe

Some of you may have heard of bardo training, the Tibetan Book of the Dead, journey through the afterlife. Maybe you have heard of heaven and hell and purgatory. In any case, if our time after death were that easy a ride, why prepare for it, or train or this need for guidance? So I hear folks saying: free now - after an animal dies. And I wonder - free? Really? Ya, for the momentary clear light?  And then - karmic tendencies  - your habits - take over. I do not know what is really gonna happen, I do not know if animals have an easier time. What makes you think the next parallel world is gonna be a better one for them?  But here is what I believe - and I am not talking about the emptiness unchanging reality - I am referring to being in any  manifest existence anywhere, including voyaging.

I believe, that when you love someone or something, I mean really love in the deepest heart of heart, when you see someone's beingness and there is love - that it will stay with them forever, even if it all goes back to Source, G-D, the Absolute, the Great Being.  Love is a substance.  Maybe there are other influences that stay with us - but really, there is a realm where only Love can be - and I believe that that Love stays with the being that is loved - and (should it reincarnate) it is a gift and a guide and it makes the "life" anywhere else in any other universe better for that being (without defining "better"). This kind of love can only happen if you have opened your heart, when there is seeing and acceptance and a connection. In this kind of love the only thing you want is for that being to be happy, free and being who they essentially are -  to the fullest they can be - in this world, in any of these quantum universes - in the universal mind - and to fulfill their purpose for being (t)here.

That is what I believe.

May 2011 -  Skye and Storm

Magnetic heart fields - dogs and humans

Dogs: “It came to me that every time I lose a dog, they take a piece of my heart with them. Yet, every new dog who comes into my life gifts me with a piece of their heart. If I live long enough, all the components of my heart will be dog, and I will become as generous and loving as they are.” …Unknown

Run Free Stormy - You are loved
March 2008 - July 3, 2012

Storm waiting by the chicken house May 2012
Born March 2008 -  fierce, loyal, smart & loving, he suddenly left us July 3, 2012
to be on his way to where he must go 
Run free and happy Storm - you are loved

Last evening (July 2, 2012) something special happened between me and this dog that lives where I do, little 4 year old rat terrier Storm - though most of the time I called him Stormy.
I had been working with him, a terrier true to his word, for a while, using Natural Dog Training techniques with really good results, including most recently him being close and starting to relax with the chicken babies. It went really well yesterday morning, he even turned towards me wanting to push after staring at them for a few moments, rather then charging the fence :) I dare say Natural Dog Training transformed our relationship. Dominance techniques, very briefly tried - seemed to have an adverse effect, and treats only went so far, and that was not very far in some situations. Anyway, I  put the chickens to bed ( = in coop :) last night and it was getting quite dark when I got back to the house, but not too dark for a walk, and of course, Storm was up to it ...loved it and I even had some of his favorite treat for pushing. I could barely see him come running up the driveway at full speed. In the last couple of days, because our other dog is on very restricted activity due to an ACL injury, I had made it a new habit to sit with both of them out on their porch at bedtime, and that is what I did last night too, after our little late walk, Shakti on my right, Storm on the left.

Back to last night, which turned out the last night he was to spend with us here on earth. I sat down with them and as before, I  had a couple of treats to start, then I stroked them and talked to them, telling them they are such good boys, that I love them. Skakti actually has a smiling kind of mouth. I recalled the image of the magnetic field of the human  heart that went around in some fb posts and imagined it to reach beyond and include both the dogs, and  it was a very loving field. I invited them to feel it. So this went on for a while and they relaxed, Storm too, and he eventually laid down and then - he put his head to rest on my thigh - something he had never done.  He sometimes lifted his head to look at me, get some scratching under his chin. We looking at each other, I told him I loved him and what a good boy he was. I still see him, faint barn light reflected in his eyes and these were such a sweet moments with a feeling I cannot describe. There was trust in there, relaxation, being home - being here-ness. A couple of times he musta heard something, sat up and had that deep low growl ... and I thought what a good little guy, watching out, all alert and ears up - but it was nothing and soon he laid down again, resting his head on my leg. He even got up at some point to greet Shakti  nose to nose, saying hi. It was so sweet.

We sat (I sat, they were lying down) there for a while and then I got up, told them goodnight,  all done, stay there - and they did.

The next morning, he went with me to the chicken house and for short a walk, then I left for the shelter soon after, did some cooking and then there were some plans for later, involving treats. But - while sniffing around in the backyard at lunchtime - something musta happened. He went over the rainbow bridge - so suddenly, so young.

Run free - I have seen you in such joy so many times, racing up the driveway or bouncing in anticipation - happy trails, good company and food and a mission and job to do - good voyaging through the macrodimensions. May you be often as happy as I have seen you here.

I am also reminded of  a thought that crossed my mind seeing him this morning - wanting to go outside the gate (were we used to go a lot in the spring). I had to call him into the garden a couple of times, before he came running. Something felt different though with him wanting to head out and I thought - "..as if he is on his way somewhere, and I could see his beingness as his own, with his own path.
So as a special treat, after feeding the chickens this morning, we went out there a bit before he happily headed back up the driveway with me.

I am grateful having worked with him, spending time with him and having found NDT as a method. It really worked well for us, when the other 2 methods did not when it came to resolving his charge in some situations. He was sooooooo happy to do stuff together, go to "school", hunting or running ahead on our walks - checking things out. He was actually a working dog. Such a smart, fierce, loyal, protective  little guy, loved seeing him bouncy in anticipation and I loved seeing him running as full speed, the hear the sound of his feet, ears flapping  - pure joy. And then - he took his rat terrier job very seriously and he was excellent at it. In fact, hunting rodents together was one of the best times.

Walking on the property  - it feels like a there is a big hole or empty space - he's missing - big spirit, big energy - and I noticed that even the chicken garden project feels now incomplete. From the very beginning, it was through the dogs, that I found my love and passion. They were always a part of it. It was never meant to be chickens instead of dogs - but dogs AND chickens. I am not sure where that leaves me. I don't understand the timing of his departure. -  just as things were getting into a working routine, the connection deeper and the path looking clear - and he did have an important job too with his rodent patrol. Still, on some level and for some reason, this was his time to go. Safe travel dear Stormy, and may you always find what you need and be happy being you.

And for you dog owners out there: when in doubt - take the extra time with your buddy. Their lives with us here are so short anyway - and then, there is that thing where you suddenly might find yourself without any time at all left. And take lots of pictures ..........

Happy traaaaaaaaaaaiillss to you - until we meet again
happy traaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiillllls to you - til we meet again

In his new house March 2012

The gang April 2011

April 2012

He ran at full speed trying to catch up :) - June 2012

Progress: fetching the ball and came to love this morning game

Surly not an early riser :) - especially in coolish weather

They LOVED this

Storm LOVED car rides too - here with Skye

He learned fast, loved it - and positive reward worked well for this kind of stuff

A truly delightful afternoon in May 2011

May 2011

He literally asked her to play :) - April 2011

Waiting by the chicken coop in April 2012

Being out there hunting with the crew on Easter weekend 2012  was a really good thing for him

Easter weekend - hunting while the crew worked for the chicken garden

Watchful

Here a video from the beginning pushing times with Storm - he learned to really love it and it was great to ground/diffuse charges in various situations.
While this video was make with Skye in mind - it does contain footage with them hunting/digging and playing together - they so loved both There are some fun clips from when Storm was a young pup:

Dying with gratitude in your heart

There is an exercise that goes something like this: When you go to sleep for the night, consider you will not wake up - you'll die...and this was the last day you were here on earth.

Every now and then, I wonder about some things.

How will I die consciously and with an attitude of gratitude for this incarnation, this opportunity?
How can this can be accomplished?

Questions that go through my mind: Did I update my will? How was my last conversation with my mother or sister? Did I let those I love in this human way know that I do? And there is a realisation that while it's not the latest update of my will, noone will suffer financial hardship to have to handle some stuff I leave behind.

I remember reading in Grace and Grit when Treya died....that was amazing.
I won't die like that. It would be cool to be in the presence of someone where love and understanding is the underlying feeling - and to gaze a last time in love and gratitude before the last breath.  Some lives just turn out differently than others. Would I want to die alone? I used to hope that I would not but I do question. Not all company is better than none.

I love remembering those little things and  moments in  life that inspire gratitude,  such amazing gratitude - and it's the little things for me, be it  a small songbird singing on the roof of your house as you wake up on a  clear perfect sunny warm spring morning, Italian ice cream from the Italian guest workers in Germany, chocolate and lemon, double scoop with real wiped cream, chocolate Easter eggs hidden by your dad on a walk through the forest, an unexpected lover's gaze, the teachings of your teachers and some moments with them, the feel or hot water in the shower in the morning, the blissful time of oneness with everything, sounds of music - the end of a rainbow in your garden, the simple act of walking, feeling your muscles and bones and sensing your foot touch the ground, a shiny leaf of a houseplant after dusting it, your cat's purr and warm soft fur,  or her paws alternating putting pressure on your chest, cappuccino with a friend, the freedom of a gift you gave, a day in the park with the kids, the kindness expressed which was unexpected and never forgotten - the heart remembers  - at least until it dies.. But really, it's gratitude for the little things....and that list seems endless....so  many moments...the more I sit, the more they come...it would be pages and pages and pages....
Would I be able to include all the pain? Sometimes I can offer that up....but I don't think recalling those times is beneficial in that process of tat they would naturally occur. I would have to make myself go there - and there would be no point in doing that that makes sense to me.
As for the pain you inflicted on any sentient being - you'll feel that soon enough, if you haven't already...but that's another story.

What would be a better death: die alone grateful for all there was or in the presence of someone who never really cared, where the memory is always on the side of pain, and distrust somehow cannot be overcome? The door to that state of gratitude may be harder to open. Work on self till the last conscious moments....?
The space of deep love and trust as well as acceptance and understanding about the transition and death process - lucky ones where that includes human company.But then, moments of connection sometimes come unexpectedly.
I pray physical pain won't be   too bad to stay conscious and be able to be grateful, to be able  to trust in Being and your instincts and knowing you did the best you could, being able to stay present with the process and say good bye in your mind to everyone with a kind heart and a smile and wave - knowing it's time and simply be ready to go...in deep relaxation and acceptance - and - gratitude for your life, this incarnation as a work opportunity.

As fairly regular mortals, we don't really know how it is afterwards, in the bardo, ....not really....
We are all such  unique and one time one manifestations. I hope I served it well enough...the great It, G-D, the Absolute, The One and Only - in any case, what else could I have done that I would not have done if I could have done it better?
I would like to leave my stuff a little more organized, affairs more handled ....not a bad thing to pay attention to again tomorrow, if there is one...
You just never know.

Bardo, death and moving on

"About 20 minutes into the Bardo flight you won't care who came to
the funeral . . . you'll be occupied working on a million things at
once . . . there is extreme acceleration . . . moving at light speed,
you try to balance and adjust; this keeps you very busy. By now you
have forgotten where you came from; you lose the specificity of the
recent life . . . language -- what language???" --E.J. Gold


"Dead is Dead--
The secret mentation which helps those in the work community remember
their aim to remain dead -- this is the specific remedy for personal
cravings -- say it over and over again; measure your activities,
moods and attitudes against its inexorable truth, and remain among
the ranks of those who are in the world but not of it."  -- E.J. Gold