Not knowing where I am or where to be in this time where everything seems to be all at once which renders me almost unable to do anything in the midst of projects piles up way above my head. Standing Rock and all those with that purpose, child labor and trafficking, the Russians and Chinese and the mess in Europe and the Middle East, the microbiome and genetic engineering still in infancy, and what of the oceans and animals everywhere...I could go on and on and on, including the acts of kindness and animal saving and restoration in the face of overwhelming odd against...
Black holes, and gravity and all the ancient myths and miracles and times, mushrooms and poop eating dogs, hawks eating a sweet chicken I was not able to protect, forever sitting on my lap with her soft feathers that I am stroking, forever running and trying to get away from the hawk who needed to eat, someone's dog dying likely of poison but they will never know because ...they could not afford vet care nor autopsy, so many lives everywhere and ....so many events and it is all always happening now, all of it and my mind can't grasp it
no wonder
we come back to the simple things..
the breath, this sitting here typing, this guitar playing soft sounds
There were times in my life I had direction, focus, energy, purpose.
Now it is all uncertain.
Transitioning, but no idea into what...holding on to some semblance of functionality...at least those chickens need to be cared for, meals to be prepared.
It feels like my insides are empty as space with vast galaxies while this heart keeps beating I remember Tom Brown's teachings.
I am no genius but that does not mean I can't go insane - except there is nothing there.
There is nothing I can do, there is nothing to be done, it happens according to some unwritten code
My brother wrote today, I feel always connected to him.
Even those ideas of Love and family are no different, just part of the labyrinth through the stillness. This body needs care. This body is hurting, but then, it has been worse.
Sensing weird seeming things inside. Something inside me keeps coming back to this feeling of peace, as I am doing what I am supposed to do, all the while missing some aspects of what is called Life, and walking with horses, but I do smell the rain and taste the nectar of the Gods which as its main ingredient contains quince juice, warm quince juice with some honey and coconut bliss - nectar of the God's who would have ever guessed that this fruit was so divine. Silence and uncertainty but I am getting my paperwork together imagining that it will be less burdensome for those still here when this vessel has ceased to be inhabited by that mysterious thing we call life.
I have no painting days, but there is gardening and something to be done all year long. Maybe there need to be gardening days and images of the beauty and maybe I do need that new camera I keep thinking about, for the close-up shops, the clarity, to get better focus for one reason only: to show the beauty that surrounds us in any place, anywhere in all things.
In the end, I don't want to hurt anyone, even if part of me does, I do want to feel that kind hand on my face, grateful for the laughter and jokes and art and music in my life. there might be 2 young cat coming to live here, i wonder how that will change things.
Relaxing into it - for in truth, there is nothing else I can do that doesn't lead to more pain.
I have to get up so early tomorrow, this will need to end - my neck and back looking forward to the evening routine on the floor. Tomorrow, which may or may not ever come for me, but still, there is food for the chickens in the feed storage this evening, and they will be eating well, thanks to help today, where is this longing coming from to just sit and breathe...feeling the universes inside the
stillness in which it is all happening.
All is blessed, all is suffering
