video gaming and the last hour of life exercise

These days, as part of a practice, i play a certain video game with a group of others 4 times a week - with 4 different avatars. to make a long story short, many times i have come to hate this game - well, not really, but so often there is a level of frustration that only leaves a feeling of hate and this: i don't want to play this game!!!!!!!!! - i am ok with quitting!!!!!!!!!, SO f**ing what...my character will simply help at the level she is at now and it will be ok - i will let her be there. i don't see the point spending my precious time on earth like THIS.

without much "free" time in real life and very little interest to play this game on my own and investigate its workings deeper to  play a better game in this particular world - my characters there are left somewhat inadequate for the job - or so it seems and feels to me.

and here in this game there is no getting away with things - diablo II was easy compared to this  - or so it seems in hindsight - but actually - diablo II was much easier and it was fun.

here my character struggles to stay alive - and the punishment for death is brutal in experience points it loses. the alternative seems to be tagging along in the back - something more or less despicable to me. i am not alone in having difficulty. at least the game IS more tolerable than D3, which was 10 times worse. so what IS the point?

when this brave little avatar kills things to help the inhabitants of this world again and again ..I am sitting there thinking - I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS KILLING GAME ANY MORE -  and i don't care if it means that we are overcoming obstacles ....there is even a quest in there i no longer participate in - which is killing the great white beast ...assuming that it will eventually come out of the cave to eat people - leave the animal alone already.

basically though it is the inadequacy of my avatar in the face of the "monsters", whose purpose in life is to present resistance to the avatars so they can learn to fight and help the people in that world. however,  if i can't play this game successfully without having to put in many hours of study - i don't want to play it ...why torture myself?

there are even aspects of playing with a group that makes it HARDER to enjoy this game (but who says it should be fun you say, HA) - because i actually have a better time playing alone. no one rushes, no one wants to go through areas that my character simply can't handle ....
i don't have time or interest to join public games to level up.

so the other day during "one  of those times" when we were playing with the "old" beta phase characters, one of my very first avatars -  the thoughts went along those lines: can't you see that some folks ONLY level during the "leveling", and others also level during the quests? and that the discrepancy will just get worse and worse? WHAT IS YOUR POINT .....??????

i don't want to just tag along, that is just a total waste of time. i have tried to level on my own some (which is when i found out i actually prefer it on many levels to play alone).

never mind i discovered video gaming as a spiritual tool back in 2003 - never mind that some of the best experiences of my live have been through the vehicle of video gaming -  THIS SUCKS ....

so this past monday we were  fighting again and i was like: what if this is the last hour of my life?

the question  or exercise  came up in second life in the prosperity ashram.

would i want to spend this last hour of my life like this? and the first answer was NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO - and if it were not for some of my friends in there - the answer really would remain a resounding NOOOOO -  i want to be doing something else, like planting a tree ....meanwhile i go along with the group, 4 of us that day.

i contemplated the players, and our game avatars and how hard this game is for me sitting here ...and the avatar continually inadequate, not seeing the point. - all the while wondering about the last hour of life.

then it was: if it were not for those work friends of mine in here - i would already have put the avatar in town, wish her well and do something else.

so here i stayed in the game, safaris as we call them, - for a reason that is not entirely clear - it is not just commitment and a sense of responsibility, not just this thing about not giving up. i suppose it would include something like - fear - to loose a work tool that is valuable and i would not ever really know what i lost? and for honoring those in there with me - their time, their life and - i like and appreciate them.

and the question became not: what else can i do to have the answer be YES  - considering this being the last hour of life and would i spend it that way ...

but rather how can i make this so it becomes something that IS ok to be the last hour of my life.

not: what else can i do? - but more like: how else can i be so this is a worthwhile last hour of life?

the next safari was different, without any special effort on my part - i played in areas even more levels further up and didn't die.

we'll see how things unfold - but i find this a very useful way to go about life, especially in situations that feel very painful or difficult:

how else can i be/shift so this becomes a moment that deserves to be  called a worthy last moment of my life?

regarding hanging in there  while or despite periodically "hating" the game so much - i know from experience that something happens, and maybe only CAN happen - when pushed way beyond the limits of acceptable comfort zones. 
 
many blessings to you always

dokini