Chickens, Love and the Fear to Die

It was a rainy day, mostly, and staying in the coop this morning,  I noticed one of the chickens just standing around not looking well. She is a sweet one, acted well just a couple of days ago. And so it got triggered again - as it does every time, no matter what the emotional starting point is on the spectrum I go through: this looking at the inevitability of death, feeling the loss of THAT one,  - and then to: having someday to leave this earth, this game, this reality, just having to leave, and leaving everything and everyone behind ....going to - what? No matter what anyone tells you or what your belief system is, you don't ACTUALLY know, do you?

None of the "exercises" I have done have the same effect.

I never used to feel fear thinking of death or dying or being dead. These days I feel it, as my mother is turning 80, as more people close to my generation die every day, as I studied the ABD more - but when a chicken is looking unwell, when there is a prospect or perception of them suffering - "it" gets triggered ... and some deep deep strange sorrow, longing, remorse, ....followed by gratitude and ...ultimately, renewed resolve to LOVE ...it is a certain type of heaven and hell ...and at this point I am unsure what the fluck if going on with that.

Looking at death and dying personally - it makes so much sense why having children and a loving family or partner might be so comforting, so soothing when facing death. Something of you survives. If you don't have family, what will remain of your being here? Anything you did or thought or felt? What IS the actual effect you had on this world?

And then, walking up the driveway from the chicken yard - dear god, I wish I had been able to be kinder, not cause anyone any pain, ease suffering. No matter that you did the best you can, understood, you know you caused pain - I know I have.

But even with children and grandchildren ...when the sun goes nova and the earth ceases to exists - it'll all be gone.

In fact, will ANYTHING ever remain?

YES - I know that answer, but I cannot explain it.

For my own meaning, at this time, the closest I can get is - all that mattered is how you loved, that you loved ...it does not matter what ...

and I don't mean "loved ice cream", but that is okay too.

This love that is a deep, unexplained awe inspiring being expanding - quivering wonder,  remorseful forgiveness asking all encompassing something...

and gratitude - such gratitude, for having another day, this moment .....

and so this chicken - may or may not get better which the treatment I am giving it. I don't actually know how chickens feel their own bodies, illness and impending death. All I want is for them not to suffer, to not be in distress and maybe that is just a wish I have for myself. It helps to know, or at least think,  they have a good life here, how everyone and everything needs to die when it is their time, how there is pain and adversity in every life....and how everything dies - sometime.

I wonder then...what it is that makes an individual life well lived - when you are no Einstein, Mother Theresa, Diva or inspired outrageous artist, Alexander the Great or Archimedes type human or parent of some ...So many many many unknown lives through thousands, no, tens of thousands of years....unbelievably many and varied.

Lately there is a sense, even though I still do things, and do some of them well - ...what does it matter, life will go on without me soon enough.  There is just such a short short time we are given here. There is also ...and this is strange, SUCH a sense of insignificance that kindness, being kind and compassionate to anything living ...which it all is,  is the only thing that makes sense. Yes to joy, or fun or whatever, good job and being responsible....but without compassion to the living, without consciousness  - the LIFE - the everything that is ....it is just an overlay.

Anyway ...more than 70 chickens are living in the chicken garden - I care for them ...they will all die in the next few years ...

Dear god, Help me

And those are only the chickens I personally know. ...

There is a lesson here somewhere that has not been learned ....

Some portal not stepped through,

though at times the direction where it is headed seems obvious.

I KNOW it ...it is just beyond this "thing" ....

Then I do an orb run ... it helps

" For the animal shall not be measured by man. In a world older and more complete than ours they move finished and complete, gifted with extensions of the senses we have lost or never attained, living by voices we shall never hear. They’re not brethren; they’re not underlings; they are other nations, caught with ourselves in the net of life and time, fellow prisoners of the splendour and travail of the earth." Henry Beston, The Outermost House